Voice vs. Self

My apologies for the delay in writing. With the Independence Day activities and other various forms of busy-ness, I have neglected to write consistently about my recovery process. Trust me - it's been in the back of my mind every single day. I just needed a little space to observe my body, my voice and dictate new outcomes.

I went two weeks without singing, drinking excessive amounts of water, and admittedly indulging in some glasses of wine with friends, but truly felt vocally wonderful. I wasn't warming up, nor singing very high, but anytime I did produce musical sound, it felt stress-free. I honestly thought I had recovered. I was prepared to write as my next blog update: ALL DONE! That's how good I felt.

Saturday night rolls around and I have to sing Sunday (yesterday) morning. I made sure not to have a "late night," nor engage in any crazy extracurricular activities with friends (aka drinking two glasses of wine at a restaurant - boy am I one wild child). Instead, we had a nice dinner, I had one glass of Pinot Noir, and was in bed by 11 pm.

Sunday morning = no voice. Uhh... what? ...Is God punishing me? 

I sang at church with every single ounce of breath I possibly could produce and spent the majority of the drive home convincing myself not to cry. After such a wonderful couple of weeks, it truly confused me that I would literally lose my voice at random.

And then I decided...

Here is where my voice is:

a little sad, certainly disappointed, and very confused.

Here is where I am:

mentally balanced, inspired, and overall truly enjoying my life.

My voice and I have two separate identities. Why? Because singers often get caught up in the "my voice is who I am" mantra -- and this in itself can be so mentally damaging! When we're vocally tired, suddenly our entire persona evolves into "I'm terrible. My mind is frustrated. I'm having such a bad day."

You're having a bad day? Or your voice is having a bad day?

It's extremely difficult to separate ourselves from our vocal mechanism. It's a part of us. It's inside of us. It's something we truly cannot manipulate without the help of technique, our brain, and copious amounts of love. Therefore, we identify with it. Completely. Understandably.

Well, I hate to be the barrier of some news -- but there is a life outside of music and our voices.

I know, I know. Only "true" musicians practice day in and day out, inhaling warm ups and exhaling new repertoire. ... right?

But if there is one thing I have learned, particularly over the last month, it is that life is quite beautiful when the pressures of being that "true" musician are not so prevalent. 

I have spent the last month accomplishing things that I have always put aside as "maybe one day" hobbies:

• starting a business. True story! The paperwork has been signed. The lawyers, accountant, and official team has been established. The business plan, marketing materials, and overall structure are well on their way to being implemented. (More information to come!) Entrepreneurship = CHECK!
• painting. A completely new skill set that I have no experience in. And boy do I love learning it!
• reading. Tons of it! There is almost nothing more enjoyable than picking up a book and putting it down hours later with a brain filled with new knowledge that you absolutely must share with everyone you meet (or so we'd hope). 

|| Current read: "Flow" - Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi - absolutely excellent ||

• songwriting. I've always loved writing music and engage it in whenever I can. While pursuing songwriting during my Masters program, I actually felt a bit out of whack - the pressure of writing new lyrics every week challenged me to an entirely new level. I put my work aside for a while and am coming back at it with fresh eyes.
• exercising. This has never been a "problem" for me, per sé, but I am enjoying fulfilling my mornings with whatever work out my body is craving. And for the first time in a long time, I am doing it for MYSELF - versus the pressures of social media, achieving some version of the "beach body" allusion, or to feel validated by how many Facebook or Instagram likes I get for my sweaty selfie.
• writing a book. Also a true story! I am officially in the process of creating an eight week program for musicians to learn how to accompany their students on the piano -- a daunting, often avoided aspect to a teacher's lesson plan that seriously needs to be changed!

So - voice or no voice - I am finding so many ways of creating a new happiness within myself. I certainly miss singing... and am a tad confused by this whole recovery process... but am detaching MY inner self with my VOICE.

"The most important step in emancipating onself from social controls is the ability to find rewards in the events of each moment. If a person learns to enjoy and find meaning in the ongoing stream of experience, in the process of living itself, the burden of social controls automatically falls from one's shoulders."